Depression...a diary of

You don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
You don't want to make breakfast or do anything.
But you force yourself to phone it in.
You do just enough laundry to keep everyone in clean underwear.
You keep enough semi-prepped food that your kids can get themselves snacks that sort of qualify as meals.
They won't win any nutrition awards but nobody will starve.
Your houseplants die because you can't dig up enough 'want to' to water them.
You don't plant a garden.
You don't plant any flowers.
Your house is a dry desert of I-just-don't-care-ness.
And you hate it.
But you can't force yourself to change it.
You can't will yourself out of your depressed state of mind to actually do anything.
Some days are better than others.
Some days you feel great.
Everything is good & you laugh & have fun & bake & clean & it feels like you have broken free.
You think God has finally delivered you.
And then for no reason you just crash & burn.
You find yourself just ready to burst into tears.
Or so angry you want to scream.
For no reason.
And you can't seem to control any of it.
And you hate it. You hate you. You just want to snap out of it but you can't.
So you pray. You pray & you beg God to help you. But He doesn't.
And you wonder why He hates you?
You know you are unworthy.
You know you deserve punishment.
But why has God forsaken you? Why has He left you? Why won't He help you?
And you wonder what to do?
Do you give up? Do you give in? Do you just retreat to your bed & stop trying?
Do you keep fighting? Do you keep struggling & forcing your way through every. single. day?
Why?
What's the point?
It's just the same thing every day.
It never changes.
Why not just give up? Why keep struggling?
Why won't you heal me Lord?
Why won't you save me from myself? Why won't you save me from my crazy?



What is the answer you ask? How does it end? That depends. On the person. On the day.
And the place.
Some people seek medical help & get answers with prescription medication.
Some folks find healing with herbs & homeopathy.
Some find a change of diet does wonders.
Some need a change of climate or elevation or amount of daylight.
The Lord grants His complete healing to some.
Others just continue to struggle through good years & bad.
Some give up.


Depression is ugly. Depression is lonely. Depression is no respecter of persons.
It doesn't care about your age or education or socio-economic status.
It just creeps in & sets up camp.

If you know someone who struggles with depression don't assume you understand. Or know 'how it feels'. Or know how to fix them.
Because you might. But you might not.
And the most important thing you can do?
Pray.
And love them.
Even when they are unlovable.

Blessings.