Ponderings

I can’t sleep.

It’s now 4:26 & I have been up for hours.

I prayed & then prayed some more & tried to go back to sleep.

Didn’t work.

I got up & read for awhile & tried to go back to sleep.

No go.

I really would love to talk with somebody but there is nobody so, here I am.

Blogging with no blog as we still have no internet.

I think I am mostly homesick.

I had an unpleasant encounter with people I thought better of.

Had a major disappointment in the housing department as well.

I think that has for sure added to my unsettled feeling.

I just keep playing the same thoughts over & over in my mind & can’t seem to get passed them.

Not sure what to do about it.

I would love to be able to do something productive right now or even just mindlessly watch TV but being as we are in a 1 room apartment & the other 6 occupants (5 people & the dog) are sleeping~ that is a no go as well.

And, yeah, that situation is definitely part of my problem.

I so desperately want to be a “bloom where you are planted” kind of person.

But I feel like I am withering on the vine.

I want my own place.

I crave my own space.

I want to be able to plant flowers & to sit in my yard. I want to be able to send my children out to play on their toys in their own space.

It is just so hard to have no ‘place’.

To not be able to change anything or make any decisions.

I so admire people who can just adapt.

I am trying.

But, failing miserably so it seems.

My son told me tonight that I just don’t seem happy anymore.

I’ve been trying so hard but failing all the while.

I want to be happy here.

I want it not to matter that we have no home of our own.

We are all together & healthy so what else is there?

That is what my head says…

but my heart says: I want a home, I want my own room, I want to plant flowers & put in a fall garden, I want a kitchen , I want to be able to bake for my family again, to make bread & cookies & anything I want anytime I want, I want my fridge & my bathroom inside my house, I want a yard, I want grass, I want to be able to let my chickens roam free, I want my boys to have their sandbox & their swings, I want to be able to have people over, I want internet, I want my things out of storage & available to me, I want, I want, I want.

The heart is deceitful above all things & desperately wicked. Who can know it? Jer 17:9

Blessings.